Oracle Online

Al Gore

Republicans in the US Senate have been making sure that it’s not too easy for Al to be green this summer. After announcing Washington, D.C. as a possible location for one of his Live Earth concerts on July 7, Al was promptly met with opposition from a handful of right-wing Senators who think global warming is a bunch of phooey in the first place.

Event organizers are eyeing the National Mall for the venue partly due to its historical significance. After all, it’s where Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream in 1963. Can’t Kelly Clarkson have one there in 2007? But if they wish to secure it, they’ll have to fight off more than crotchety old men in suits (EM) the Smithsonian has already booked it for their annual Folklife Festival (a gathering known for its especially formidable, rowdy crowds).

Angelina Jolie

There must have been a “buy one, get one free” deal going on when Angelina picked up her latest kid, Pax Thien, last month because it’s been rumored that she’s already out shopping again. Even though Pax has only recently joined the Brangelina family, Angelina is reportedly heading to Chad to adopt solely so her daughter Zahara won’t “feel alienated as the only black face in the family.”

A few outspoken folks are starting to denounce Angelina for her escalating baby habit, especially since she has continued to act in movies which often require that she leave home for months at a time. Still others are quick to point out that such criticisms are undue and short-sighted. Working for the United Nations by day, Angelina obviously wants to make sure that there is enough ethnic diversity in her herd to play “Model U.N.” by night. Her current “delegates” (in order of seniority) are from Cambodia, Ethiopia, the United States and Vietnam.

Anna Nicole Smith

Officially, Anna’s roughly seven feet under the ground and going nowhere fast. This, however, isn’t stopping Nancy Grace and every other “talking-head” from yammering on about her night after night. It is also apparent that some other people in America may still give a damn because they keep watching the whole debacle play out. These must be the same fools keeping Survivor on the air. Who are these people and what is wrong with them?

Britney Spears

Britney is still nuts, but is slowly acquiring better taste in wigs. She has also finally realized that ex-hubby K-Fed was just as nasty as America was telling her all along. During divorce negotiations last week she reportedly told him “you’re the biggest mistake I’ve ever made,” adding ever-so-eloquently “but thank you for my babies.”

Rage Against the Machine

The wholesome foursome, who look as if they couldn’t harm a fly, have lied to the nation (much to the delight of rapcore/funk metal fans everywhere). Initially they insisted that their reunion set at the Coachella music festival later this month would be a one-time-only event but have since announced three additional dates for the Rock the Bells IV festival in July and August. Guitarist Tom Morello is denying rumors of a full-fledged tour but I wouldn’t trust a guy who thinks he can annihilate Bush and Cheney with a few chords of “Killing in the Name.”