Oracle Online

If a game is back and forth and both teams are playing well, you’ll often hear, “the competitive juices are flowing!” I’m almost always urged to retort, “No, that’s just sweat”, but regrettably, then, I’d be talking to a television.

[...insert a few dozen more crappy sports cliches until the clock runs out...]

Now, the game ends and you think you’re safe. Well, friend, you’re not. Now you get to hear the players and coaches babble on, mixed metaphors and childlike simplicity ubiquitous. Losing locker rooms are my favorite “They just scored more points than us, that’s why we lost.” Don’t actually expect me to respond to that, it speaks for itself. Don’t forget, “It’s a bitter pill to swallow.” Well, with the millions of dollars you people make, please, indulge in tastier pills. My favorite is, of course, “It just wasn’t meant to be.” Aha! Fate!

Is it safe, yet? The game is over, the interviews followed. Anything else to be afraid of? Yup. Game highlights, newspapers, etc. You can’t escape sports clichÄs. Even if you’re not dealing with clichÄs, you’ll still have to navigate the often treacherous waters of crappy, misleading headlines. Last Friday the Pioneer Press’s leading headline for sports was, “Veterans get shot at market.” To the passerby it would seem as though a couple of old vets were gunned down while shopping for pears at the farmer’s market. In actuality, the headline was in reference to veteran players who were released, and thus given the ability to test the free-agent market. Ugh.

I’ll leave you with one final example of profound sports-clichÄ elocution. Following their playoff win over the Sacramento Kings, Los Angeles Lakers guard Derek Fisher said, “We dug deep...deeper than we’ve ever dug before.”

The Pretty Sweet:

The “Pretty Sweet” is twofold this week. First, a big congratulations to the women’s hockey team here at Hamline! They won more games this year than in the previous four. Week in and week out, they seemed to break another record. Teams who historically dominated the Pipers were tested and bested on a regular basis this year. Then, the Pipers made the playoffs (also a first). All of this was accomplished without a single senior on the team. It’s pretty obvious these girls have ice water in their veins. Crap. That was a sports cliche. You see they’re unavoidable (although the application of this cliche is not without reason. I mean, hockey players are skating in the cold, on ice. I’m no scientist, but I think there is actually a reasonable chance that they have some ice inside their veins. Meh.)

And what is the second part of the “Pretty Sweet”, you ask? The NFL’s free agency period has started! Hooray! This is where teams can turn things around (cliche). One year you’re a dud; the next year you’re a stud (cliche, bite me). If teams do their homework, they can add some playmakers (cliche). Many of these free agents have all the physical tools (cliche), and a few have all the makings of a great one (cliche). In all seriousness, though, this free agency business is exciting. I know I’ll enjoy watching the Redskins buy every player over 35 in exchange for any chances of a winning season.

The Bet You Didn’t Know

-It was on this day in 1964 that United States runner Tom O’Hara set a new world record for the indoor mile by completing it in three minutes, 56.4 seconds. O’Hara bested my own personal mile record by 12 minutes.

-On this day last year, Hall of Fame Twins centerfielder Kirby Puckett passed away. Say what you will about his life after baseball (wherein he was accused of abusing another woman, his own spouse, and of course how he ballooned to over 300 pounds), but Puckett was an absolute joy to watch. For years, Puckett exuded a gregarious attitude and a love for the game. His contributions to the Twins made possible their two championships.

-Shaquille “Shaq Daddy” “Diesel” “The Big Baryshnikov” “Superman” O’Neal turns 35 today. This 7’1 Miami Heat center has dominated the NBA since he came into the league in 1992. O’Neal is on every list of NBA’s Greatest Players and is a shoe-in for first ballot Hall of Fame induction. He’s big, he’s slick, and he can’t shoot free throws. Add in a charming smile, and it’s clear...I have a man crush on him.