Oracle Online

Any capitalist can understand the importance of building a nice stadium in a space that fits the budget, but this storied franchise moving thing has to go. What next? The Minnesota Vikings of Delano? The Green Bay Packers of Cheboygan? How about the Minnesota Twins of Chaska?

Pretty Sweet

It isn’t often that several million Americans watch the game of the week, but last week anyone with a television set was graced with one heckuva showdown. Two teams. One Congress. With the future of America in question, the Elephants of Red State squared off against the Donkeys of Blue State.

The Elephants, known for their uncaring yet fervently pragmatic play-calling, look to capture the Midterm Election Cup for the seventh time (going back to ’94). General Manager Dick Cheney has been working feverishly with lead sponsor Haliburton to implement a Shotgun offense. He and offensive coordinator mastermind Karl Rove have had difficulty, though, transcribing their strategies to Head Coach George W. Bush, who can’t read. The team is made up of mostly religious old white men. Their key to success lies in increased military spending, breaking international law, and tax cuts for the wealthy.

The Donkeys, known for choking in the big game, being spineless, and lacking identity, hope to steal back the cup. Unfortunately, the team lacks a clear head coach. Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, and John Kerry have failed to gain clear leadership of the players. A lack of offensive playmakers has hurt the team in recent years, while their defense ranks as the most porous in civilization. Their only chance for victory is to remind everyone else that they are NOT the Elephants.

It was obvious from the get-go that no amount of lying or prayer could save the Elephants from harm. An impatient voting populace was ready for change. After Mark Foley’s suspension for illegal contact in the weeks leading up to the game, a legitimate support vacuum formed for the Donkeys.

As election night wore on, the tension grew. Late in the fourth quarter the Donkeys, who had already taken control of the House, needed victory in Montana, Missouri and Virginia. Elephant George Allen did all he could to resist the non-objectionable, verifiable data (a tactic often employed by the Elephants) showing he had indeed lost. Finally, with time running out, he conceded defeat and the Donkeys were victorious.

Donald Rumsfeld, the Elephant’s defensive coordinator, was more lost on the Xs and Os than Bill Belicheck in a Hollister. He resigned after the game.

Now, for those people that say they don’t like politics, try watching the Midterm Election Cup.

For those people that say they don’t like sports, try watching the Midterm Election Cup.

Bet You Didn’t Know

Curt Schilling turns 40 today. Schilling was the 2001 World Series MVP, playing a major role in one of the most dominant pitching duos in history, alongside Randy Johnson. Schilling is best known for his gutsy ALCS performance in 2004 against the Yankees, where his ankle injury showed through on what would later be known as the “bloody sock.”

Shirley Crabtree, Jr., better known as a pro wrestler “Big Daddy”, was born on this day. Crabtree holds the Guiness record for largest chest, at 62 inches. This is the second week in a row that a pro wrestler has surfaced in this column. For that, I am ashamed and sincerely apologetic.

25 yards is the distance that Brad Johnson can throw a football.