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Let me step aboard my soapbox for a moment (Irish Spring, if you must know. Although I find it necessary to use some kind of topical moisturizer, because you’ll get dry skin): in a tumultuous time that includes horrific school shootings, E-coli riddled spinach, and representative Mark Foley, it would be nice to look to sports for a sense of escape. As you already know, sports headlines too closely resemble those from CNN. So how do we go about following sports without becoming clinically depressed? How do we separate our heroes from the cheaters, villains, and ruffians? [silence]

Oh, you want me to tell you? Well truthfully, I don’t know. I have a few suggestions, though.

1. Start to care more about the “thrill of victory and the agony of defeat” and less about drugs, drama, and scandal. Maybe then it will be covered less.

2. Go to the park more. Create your own sports fantasies. You may not know this, but I’ve won the World Series and scored the winning touchdown on a number of occasions. Who needs sports on television when you can play with your friends? If you don’t have any friends, then just kick a can. If you can’t find a can, then you’re in a really clean park and that should be enough to make you happy.

3. Wear Hanes underwear and drink Gatorade. This honestly doesn’t apply to the situation at hand, but I’m working on my product placement.

The Pretty Sweet

How about the men's soccer team at Hamline? These Piper lads are off to their best start ever. They’re looking mighty mean in their MIAC games. They seem to have total irreverence toward the fact that they are an inexperienced squad. They serve as an example that hard work, practice and diligence actually work. Someone send T.O. (Terrell Owens) the memo. Hamline hasn’t literally stomped anyone’s faces, but they have made a name for themselves in the West Region. The Pipers started the season barely a blip on the MIAC’s radar. Now they are ranked seventh in the nation’s West Region. In respect for the team’s mantra čthat the next game is always the most important; I’ll try not to set my sights too far ahead. These guys are pretty good though. Don’t be shocked if Hamline creeps into the playoffs for the second straight year.

How about those Minnesota Twins? At the season’s midpoint, they stood several games under .500 and looked like a heap of broken baseball bats. Then they kicked their play into high-gear and won the division while simultaneously pushing themselves into the October playoffs. How many days did they control sole lead of the Central Division? Just one day and it was the last day. Joe Mauer became the first catcher in the history of baseball to win the American League Batting Title, and Johan Santana is primed to win the American League Cy Young Award. Oh yeah, and they have a pitcher named Boof Bonser. I say again, the guy’s name is Boof Bonser. That name immediately ranks among the best ever in professional sports. It’s right up there with New York Islander’s right wing Miroslav Satan and former Chicago White Sox Designated Hitter Rusty Kuntz.

Bet You Didn’t Know

-Brett Favre turns 37 today, October 10th. He currently ranks second in NFL history in passing yards, wins, and passing touchdowns. You might also like to know that he’s won more Superbowls (1) than the Minnesota Vikings (0).

-Dale Earnhardt, Jr. turns 32 today. He races cars. That’s all I've got.

-On this day in 1908 the Baseball Writers Association was formed.

-The average height of the mens soccer team is just short of 5’11. The women's soccer team averages just a shade over 5’7. My point? The men's soccer team is taller.

Thanks to everyone who made it this far into the column. A message to those hopeful Twinkies fans (myself included): go to the park. Bring extra gloves. Catch that line drive Torii Hunter missed (much love for you Torii, I don’t blame you). I get to be Johan Santana. Don’t hate me because I can’t throw a changeup. Look up and swing fast. Remember: it’s not how hard you tried or how much fun you had; it’s whether or not you win.