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September 19, 2006
The Convent to go magically to video
Question: what do John Tucker Must Die, Tony ‘n’ Tina’s Wedding, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge have in common? Give up? Well, besides all being terrible, here’s the secret: through the divine wisdom that is the movie studio secret society, the stars of these had been assembled to make one rock-awesome movie. Sadly, something went terribly wrong and instead we ended with the worst movie to have ever been made: The Covenant.
Not even Manos: The Hands of Fate (see Mystery Science Theatre 3000 if you’re really curious about that one) is as bad as this horror/suspense/teen coming of age drama. Worse than a B-movie, it isn’t even the kind of film that you’d have fun watching because it’s so bad.
So where could one even hope to begin dissecting this crime scene, train-wreck of a movie? A movie that is, and although it’s been said before (I really mean it this time), honestly the worst thing to have ever stumbled across the silver screen. When a movie is so disorientingly bad that the only word that can describe it is flabbergasting, one can only hope that these aspiring actors all meet a James Dean end as quickly as possible.
But enough of that, here’s a synopsis of the movie. Four friends, who just happen to be insanely rich, brooding and handsome are bound together by their families’ shared history of being witches with pseudo-superhero powers that reach their peak when they hit the pinnacle of puberty, 18. At this age, they ascend and are granted powers--addictive, seductive powers, mind youčwhich slowly sap their life force.
Those who, pardon the drug parallel I draw here, attempt to ‘chase the dragon’ and abuse their powers die young and pitifully.
Okay, fine, right? Well, all is not well in their happy, shady oaks, private campus and someone is using (magic, of course, certainly not drugs) and our protagonist Caleb Danvers (Steven Strait) is worried about protecting their little secret society. Cue suspense and yes, they seriously call casting magic ‘using’.
Really, that’s about it. If any more was said, it’d give away the entire plot; not that you wouldn’t be able to guess what happens before it does, but I’d feel guilty ruining it. I will leave you with these two teasers though, the villain does kiss the hero and also recites the better part of “Little Miss Muffet” with levels of overacting rivaling Jim Carrey. Really, if I had my way, The Covenant would be a verb for lame when referencing movies.
So come Friday night, go watch Starship Troopers. It’s a bad movie that’s fun to watch which is something that this movie could never hope to be.
Posted by dwright at September 19, 2006 08:38 PM
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