Oracle Online

Dear Just Wondering,

Safe words are words generally used during sexual acts, like bondage or role-playing for example, to halt the sexual act. During times when “no” really means “yes,” other words can be used and discussed with your partner ahead of time to stop the act that is taking place.

When you find yourself in need of a safe word, some people have suggested that you start with colors. You can designate the colors of a stoplight, red, yellow, and green as levels of comfort. Green can stand for “I’m okay, keep going”, yellow for “slow down, it’s getting intense” and red for “stop already.”
You can use any word, as long as it is a word that your partner understands to mean “no.” It would be best if you picked a word that you don’t normally use in sex games, like “blowfish” or “squirrel.” Also, if you are in a position where either you or your partner has their mouth covered, make sure you arrange a safe sound or action. This should be something that can be adequately conveyed between you and your partner, like a stomping your feet on the floor.

Be sure that you and your partner put trust in the word or action that you pick. If the safe word is spoken, make sure that the situation stops entirely. Stop, remove any restraints, drop your fake British accent and whatever else you are doing, and ask your partner what happened. Don’t use the safe word as a joke either. Settle the situation with your partner first before starting anything again.

When used correctly, a safe word can create a strong bond of trust between you and your partner. The use of a safe word is meant to maintain safety and can heighten your sexual freedom when used properly.

Disclaimer: Liz Engle has aspirations of being a sexpert but has no professional training. To submit a question e-mail it to oracle@hamline.edu. You can remain anonymous.