Tuition doubles for some

The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.

Tamara James is a third year legal studies and political science major. She has held at least a 3.7 GPA every semester, and has never failed to make the Dean’s list, which is saying something considering her background. James graduated in a high school class of 19 people in the small town of Belgrade, Minnesota. Her school had one computer lab containing 15 of the original iMacs and didn’t offer any college credit or AP classes. Still, James was able to stay as active in the community as she was in school. She was president of her local 4-H Club, helped the town of Belgrade become a “Tree City, USA,” sponsored a child through Compassion International, was president of her student council, appeared in four community plays and got a 33 on the ACT, all while holding a 4.0 GPA.

University breaks history, budget with light rail system

The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.

Last week Ashley Endocrine wore a miniskirt to look nice for her 8 a.m. Ethics class and ended up shivering with blue lips of constant uncertainty. For 152 years, Hamline students like her have suffered the biting wind as they commute around campus and beyond in Minnesota’s lengthy winters. “How are we supposed to look nice when we have to bundle up and walk to class?” said Endocrine. “I have a right to look nice, don’t I?” Hamline’s administration, HUSC and the Hamline-Midway Coalition are working together to end this strife by building a rail transit system that will include stops both on and off campus.

papaDOB1963: speakdatruf1888

The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.

papaDOB1963: what up
speakdatruf1888: what up boy
papaDOB1963: we gots some business to take care of
speakdatruf1888: yeah what son?
papaDOB1963: i hear you been talkin smack about hu sports....WTF?!
speakdatruf1888: what you talkin bout willis

Ladies night proves to be drunken Myth

The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.

Some people may be willing to pay money to be rubbed up against by sweaty, overweight men with ill-fitting shirts in a dark room, but Jamie Yost is not one of them.

Ironically, on a dreary Monday night it was Yost who paid to be humped through fabric.

“After a few drinks at home with my friends, we just wanted to go dancing,” said Yost. “We said ‘nuts to guys’. We just wanted to dance.”

Linda "Buzzsaw" Hanson not your average president

The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.

It has been said that “Leadership is based on inspiration, not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation.” Linda Hanson’s stint as university president so far exemplifies this notion. In addition, Hanson brings to the table dedication, hard work, intelligence, sensitivity, the ability to shed blocks and deliver bone-crunching hits, and an unrivaled facility to kill without making a sound. If those last two traits stick out, perhaps you should have done your research. Hanson is a former American Gladiator, Canadian Football League superstar and Navy SEAL.

Under the Covers

The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.

Dear Under the Covers,
I think I may be pregnant. I’ve gained about 20 pounds and it’s all going to my stomach and a little bit to my chest. The problem is, I’m a man. I have no idea how to deal with this rather large burden. I don’t want this baby to grow up without two parents. What are the steps I need to take to make sure that this child is healthy and has two parents in his or her life?

Impregnated Man