Oracle Online

Indeed, the Hamline squirrels have had a presence on campus far longer than anyone else. In fact, we’ve been here since before there was a Hamline University. We predate St. Paul. Yet, at every level of government, from the U.N. all the way to HUSC, we have been systematically denied a voice. Hamline prides itself on being inclusive and progressive, so why doesn’t HUSC allow squirrels to vote and run for office?
It has been argued that the squirrels are a minor presence on campus and do not need representation. This is absurd! The squirrel population attends campus diligently. There are few students on Hamline ground as much as the most delinquent squirrel. For instance, I personally have never left the campus except to cross Snelling Avenue once, and I vow never to try that again! We also serve the community in many ways as well. We clean up litter by eating it or lining our homes with it. We entertain bored students with window seats in classrooms, and occasionally create attractive yet functional nests in the engines of cars that have sat too long in the parking lot. Let’s see your commuter student representative do that!

I hesitate to mention it, but I have heard rumors that HUSC denies squirrels representation because it is anthropocentric. If this is true, it would fly in the face of over 150 years of Hamline’s efforts to oppose discrimination of all kinds. I assure you, we will be monitoring HUSC closely to see if there is any truth to this shocking rumor.

Once we obtain our well-deserved rights, the Hamline squirrels are eager to demonstrate that we are worthy candidates for office indeed! Some of our goals include more outdoor trash receptacles complete with squirrel-sized openings to enable us to reduce waste by taking what is usable, improving the aesthetic appeal of Hamline by planting more trees on campus, especially oak trees, an elevated walkway over Snelling to ensure the safety of squirrels and humans alike, and squirrel-friendly access to buildings to allow us to partake in the same Hamline experience as humans.

We will be working hard to end this despicable tradition of excluding the most faithful and beloved campus residents from democratic participation in Hamline life. If humans can campaign on a platform of physical attractiveness, surely we squirrels with our “acorns and issues” platform deserve to be allowed to campaign for a position in HUSC. We will not rest until we have accomplished this, and we urge all students who care about squirrels and democracy to speak out on our behalf.