Oracle Online

Student sues for emotional damage

A student is suing an adjunct professor for emotional damage caused by an incident which happened last week. Adjunct professor G.R. Anderson, Jr., declaring journalistic writing must be tight and concise, told his class to “Drown your kittens.”

“They may be cute and cuddly,” Anderson said. “And they may try to squirm their way back, but they need to go. Hold them down. Drown those kittens!”

Anderson said the reference was to fluffy phrases and other needless sentences that often wiggle their way into published articles.

Accusing student Anne Johnson said she did not think Anderson was even on the topic of news writing.

“He just held his hand in a fist near the ground, saying that kittens need to go. Then I fainted. I never heard him complete his analogy,” Johnson said. The case is Johnson v. Anderson and will be heard in Ramsey County District Court.

Students complain classes too “Earthly”

A trio of Martians publicly complained that their “Humans and the Beyond” course was “too Earthly.”

“How are we supposed to expand our mental faculties when our class is more concerned about the history of Earth relations with aliens and ignores our struggles,” 322Xp7 said through a translator.

The class, which became an independent study after the complaint was lodged, originally discussed such historic locations as Roswell, NM, and the Bermuda Triangle. The trio said the professor refused to meet and stifled their voices.

The professor declined to comment, as did a representative from the Dean’s office.

Frustrated Drew residents remove doors

In light of recent hate incidents in Drew Hall directed at the GLBT community, some residents have decided to remove their doors completely. “I just can’t handle the tension anymore,” said sophomore Chris Curry. “Not knowing who will be next or whose door will be the next victim, it’s no fun.”
About half of the second floor and one-third of the third floor have called the maintenance crew to help them take this precaution.

Chief Maintenance Director Kelly Anderson has been more than happy to help. “I’m all about it,” he said. “The intolerance was getting out of hand. If this is how people are going to get the message that it’s not okay to do this to someone else’s property, then it needs to be done.”

Getting ready for class in the morning and for bed at night in the restrooms is a small price to pay, say the students. “We’re taking a stand. We’re making a statement. We aren’t going to put up with this anymore,” said freshman Amie Wagner.

Director of residential life Patti Klein declined condemning or condoning these actions. “As long as privacy is not being invaded and everyone is in support of it, nothing more needs to be said from the administration.”

If the movement is successful and no more hate incidents occur, the doors will be put back on and life can continue on as normal for these Hamline students.

Weekend to contain legal activity

In conjunction with April Fool’s Day, the Proud Alcoholics (PA) said they would put down the bottles and partake in legal activities this upcoming weekend.

“Just for once, we’ll partake in community building and create a better campus atmosphere this weekend,” said PA President Arnold Soot.

The petition was signed in response to Hamline changing its website to better reflect student weekend life. The university is now posting pictures of students consuming alcohol on their main homepage.

Three legitimate signatures were gathered. The other 47 were forged.

Security catches run-on sentence

In an effort to curb horrible grammar usage, of which incidences have been steadily increasing over the last 10 years, Safety and Security detained run-on sentences in research papers submitted across campus and officers also reported that common language mistakes such as homonyms were commonly misued, in addition to unnecessary transitions in conjunction with a lack of periods and other proper punctuation, while English professors lamented that the Internet, in particular text messaging, MySpace.com blog postings and various instant messenger services are killing our common language, which Safety and Security is ultimately concerned about because they feel our language rules are as important as other rules at Hamline and in the United States as a whole and should not be violated or taken lightly...

Write-ins demand HUSC recount

After an apparent landslide victory for the Erickson-Falde campaign in the recent HUSC presidential elections, a group of write-in candidates has demanded a recount, citing suspicious results.

“The results are clearly the results of a HUSC conspiracy,” said Blake Lindevig, the leading write-in candate for the presidential election. “They didn’t want a non-HUSC candidate taking over their group. We were a threat. They count the ballots, and their names are on the ballots, so how can you not expect a conspiracy?”

Adding to this conspiracy theory are the numerous students who claim to have written in their own names as Senior Representative, only to have the fourth seat left unfilled.

“I voted for myself,” said Ian Johnson, a senior-to-be. “How did I not win? There were three people running for four seats. I only needed one vote. Who miscounted that one?”

Also under scrutiny is the lack of absentee ballots in the final results. While Hamline has many students studying abroad, many of whom tied to the blogs awaiting the results of the election, somehow none of their votes appeared on the official tally.

Disgruntled residents defile Sorin

Sorin Hall residents scrawled rebuttal graffiti in the second floor bathroom declaring their dislike of the building. The spray-painted message says “It smells like ass in here.” Residents close to the graffiti artist said that he was fed up with the false message that defaces the south entrance to the building.

“There’s always parties in here, and it’s loud and obnoxious. We’ve become a party dorm,” fourth floor resident Mindy Mariner said.

The graffiti appeared a few weekends ago after a particularly party-filled evening. No one the rhetOracle contacted was quite sure as to who’s responsibility it is to remove it.