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The idea to build the Hamline University Rail Transit (HURT) first came up in a divided HUSC meeting that eventually came to glorious cohesion. “I ran on a platform to help all Hamline students,” said HUSC president Alex Erickson. “All Hamline students will use a light rail to get around campus. Besides, who likes to walk?” Eventually HUSC signed on with the project and convinced the Hamline Midway Coalition that the decision would be best for the neighborhood as a whole. “I don’t care if we sink $50 billion into this,” said Erickson. “It’s not coming out of MY pocket. We’ll be the first school in Minnesota with its own light rail. You can’t put a price on being first.”

HURT will make a loop stopping at campus locations such as the Giddens Learning Center, Hamline Heights, Sorin Hall, and Bush Library as well as off campus stops at the Black Sea and Taco Bell with debate still circling on Neslon’s Cheese Shop. “With so many stops, the train would have to go really slow using conventional fuel,” said Lowell Bromander, Hamline’s new head of Railroad Engineering. “But we think we have a solution. Crack would be a fuel that would make the train speed up quickly as well as slow to a stop on command.” The plan to use illicit drugs to fuel HURT is being hailed as not only a way to cheaply and effectively run the train, but also a way to reinvest money into the poor urban economy. “I think crack is a good idea,” added Hanson. “Fo’ sho.”

Though most are in support of HURT, some are angry that the idea is even being brought up. “It’s a communist conspiracy,” said Dave Young, campus bookstore owner. “I have a lot of hate in my heart for this light rail. Where are the customers that come to my bookstore going to park?” Young has had signs in his bookstore windows since the idea was brought up in HUSC saying things like “(S)light rail.” “Because I feel slighted,” Young said.

Plans for the actual platforms have also been formulated with the goal to blend the stops into the surrounding area. “For example, we are going to decorate the Drew stop with broken alcohol bottles and marker drawings of male genitalia,” said Erickson. “The Heights stop is going to be magnificent. We’re going to be hiring criminals to hang out by that station to mimic a real life experience for students.”

Other plans for stops include bringing in a sorcerer to make the Manor platform haunted and having on campus jobs for students to play acoustic guitars at the Klas/Arts stop.

Safety and Security will patrol the train to make sure only Hamline students are riding the train. “We’re gonna be working like gangbusters,” said Hamline Security Officer Scott Brenz. “I always wanted to be one of those cops that kicked around vagrants. Now I get to live out my dream.”