« Post office peon to go insane | Main | Whiteboard sketch lacks passion, proportions, professionalism »
March 28, 2006
Los Angeles flaming after gay cowboy riots
The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.
Los Angeles has been devastated in recent weeks by a seemingly endless wave of riots targeting the rich and famous. The riots began after Crash was unexpectedly announced Best Picture at the Academy Awards instead of predicted winner, Brokeback Mountain. The gay-themed western has became a nation-wide phenomenon and was seen by many as a vehicle for gaining acceptance of same-sex relationships. This acceptance has been overshadowed recently by the rampant destruction that is devastating the Hollywood hills. Oscar viewing parties hosted by area GLBT establishments are believed to be the source of the riots. Hundreds of gay cowboy supporters gathered together to watch what they thought was a sure victory. When Crash was announced the winner, patrons began knocking over tables and chair in the bars, before taking the rampage to the streets.
The cost of the destruction is estimated to be over $200 million, a number far higher than the box office proceeds of the gay love story. While much of the destruction is random, there are sites that have been specifically targeted. The home of Crash writer/director Paul Haggis has been reduced to rubble, with “Jack + Ennis 4ever” burned into the lawn. Similarly, the studio of Crash producer Lions Gate Films has been burned to the ground.
Rioters have been seen on horseback wearing western style apparel with perfectly-gelled hair. An unidentified man wearing only assless-chaps and a cowboy hat was quoted as saying, “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re rioting.” It is a cry that has been echoed throughout much of the city. Another rioter has said, “For decades I’ve had to hide my love of roping cattle and groping men.” Brokeback seemed to be my way out, but that’s lost now, so if you’ll excuse me I’d like to throw this rock through that window.”
The riots seemed to be subsiding until the UK’s Empire Magazine listed Crash as its choice for film of the year, and then a new onslaught came. Mobs of men on tractors and horseback have been seen all over the country headed toward Los Angeles. Many have been afraid to contact the police when they see rioters because of the mistaken belief that all Village People professions are a threat. Only time will tell the true extent of the devastation.
Posted by dwright at March 28, 2006 12:33 PM
Comments
Post a comment
Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)
(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)