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March 28, 2006
Sexiest man alive cajoles old woman
The rhetOracle is a mock issue of Hamline's undergraduate newspaper, the Oracle. We are trying to be as derisive as possible. Please enjoy the farcical nature of this issue or at least, ignore us.
George Clooney seems to have it all. He’s a recent winner of People’s Sexiest Man Alive Contest, he’s now an Academy Award winning actor, he recently directed the most critically successful film of 2005, and he’s purportedly dating Teri Hatcher.
Yes, on the surface, Clooney appears to be on top of the world. But, as this reporter recently discovered, Clooney harbors a deep secret of which no one other than his pet pig Max is aware.
Back in the 1980s, before Batman Forever and ER, Clooney was given the opportunity of a lifetime to star in the hit television show The Facts of Life. The show had been a smash before he arrived, but had deteriorated in quality over its last couple seasons.
Bringing on Clooney as eye candy for the girls was supposed to spice things up. However, it was off-stage that things were spicing up. George Clooney was having an affair with none other than Mrs. Garrett, aka Charlotte Rae, The Facts of Life leading lady who was thirty years his senior.
The affair started simply enough, with Clooney accidentally walking in on Rae as she was cooking bran muffins in the buff, but their relationship soon sprang into a magical romance, complete with a broke George springing for daisies (to which Rae supposedly cracked, “I’m not pushing them up yet Georgie”).
They would spend many a long afternoon, watching reruns of Charlotte’s season on Sesame Street and curling her hair.
However, the producers caught wind of the romance (supposedly Tootie was the one who spilled the beans), and wouldn’t hear of it. They fired Clooney and, Rae, standing by her man, left the show in protest.
The romance continued, but the spark was gone.
Rae’s celebrity started to diminish, to the point that she couldn’t even get a seat during the Sunday brunch rush at Denny’s. Blaming Clooney for her failures, Rae started an affair up with her Save the Dog! costar Tony Randall (of The Odd Couple fame).
Clooney was devastated, and he couldn’t pull himself out of his doldrums. He even guest-starred on The Golden Girls, in hopes that Rue McClanahan would take a shine to him.
She didn’t, but Beatrice Arthur has supposedly alluded to a rendezvous with a television doctor in her one-woman show; this may, however, have been a romantic fling with Jane Seymour (Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman).
Clooney finally fought back from depression, finding solace in the millions of dollars he made in the late 1990’s. However, according to an inside source, Clooney still pines for his days with Eastland Academy’s headmaster.
“Oink, oink, oinker, oink,” was all this reporter could smoke out of Clooney’s pig, Max, which, roughly translated means, “He still sits alone, humming that inane theme song and watching reruns of Nick at Nite.
He may play the ladies’ man, but his heart will always belong to Charlotte. Err, I have to go nowčI have a date with Miss Piggy.”
So, Teri, beware as you set out on your relationship with one of America’s Most Eligible Bachelors. He may seem like a catch, but he’s still learning the facts of life.
Posted by dwright at March 28, 2006 12:28 PM
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