Oracle Online: Under the covers...with Nick Bell

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October 11, 2005

Under the covers...with Nick Bell

Dear Nick:

Recently at a party, I went a little too far for my own good. I felt fine at the time, so I didn’t think much of the fact that I’d had a bit too much to drink. When I woke up the next morning, I had a bad case of ‘What the hell have I done?’ I had been taken advantage of.

Even though I distinctly remember knowing I wanted to have sex at that moment, I still don’t believe it was right for the other person to instigate the deed while I was in such a state of vulnerability.

On the other hand, I don’t want to outright blame the other person because I never said ‘No’. Should I confront this person and tell them what they did was wrong or should I take responsibility for my own morning-after guiltiness?

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

The scenario you described could constitute rape. The act shifts on consent. You said you “wanted to have sex at that moment.” Does this mean you consented? However, did you knowingly consent? An intoxicated person is generally unable to give consent. And non-consensual sexual contact is rape.
This is further complicated by your intoxication.

First, it’s not your fault. You did not deserve or ask for this treatment. You didn’t need to scream that you didn’t like it, or even if you did. It is still rape if you had an orgasm and it is still rape even if you didn’t say no. It is still rape even though you were intoxicated. And it is all against the law.

How do you know this person? Do you have to see them every day? Do you have a amicable relationship with this person? Are you disappointed because you already know each other well and they should have known better? Regardless of any answer to these questions, any person can rape anyone else. There is no exception. Non-consensual conduct such as this is rape. Gather your courage and report this incident, first to the police department in your respective county. They will then refer you someone you who specialized in criminal sexual conduct. They will offer services that will help you survive.

Your question did not indicate your gender, or of the person who violated you. No gender is immune to criminal sexual conduct. While female rape gets the most attention and statistically is more common, men can be raped too, and each sex can be raped by the same sex. But no one deserves it.

The evening is not your fault, and that’s the first step to surviving this incident.

It sounds like you’ve been partying a lot lately. There is nothing wrong with that. However, set guidelines as to what to do and not to do should someone make advances at you. Have a friend looking out for you. If you can’t have that, you need to recognize the potential risks of being drunk and alone. Do not let this horrifying experience deter you from enjoying life. Remember, it’s not your fault.

On another note, don’t think that people can’t have random sexual wants and needs that should and could be fulfilled when they want to. It’s your body, you should do with it what you will. If you’ve been conditioned to receiving that kind of attention and intimacy when drunk, while not necessarily bad, it’s necessary to be sometimes sober in order to make better decisions upon who to sleep with at least. If you feel that your body has been violated, report who made it that way to the police. Above all, be careful, choose wisely and take care of yourself.

Remember, you are not a victim. You are a survivor.

Disclaimer: Nick Bell has aspirations of being a sexpert but no professional training. To submit a comment or question, e-mail it to oracle@hamline.edu or drop it off at the Oracle office (DS 106).

Posted by msveum at October 11, 2005 02:52 PM

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