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April 05, 2005
Under the Covers... with Molly Kerwan
Dear Molly:
I’m a closeted first-year living on campus. Recently, my roommate found some incriminating magazines that point to my true sexual orientation. I was incredibly embarrassed by his discovery, but he didn’t say anything except that I should probably hide my porn a little better. I haven’t had the guts to bring up the topic with him again, but he certainly seems to be acting differently toward me since the incident. He seems to be very wary of me, and we just don’t pal around like we used to. I think he is nervous about having a gay roommate, and I worry that he is telling his friends (most of whom are mutual acquaintances) about me. How do I bring up these issues to him without making the situation worse or having everyone on campus finding out about my private life?
Out of the Dorm Closet
Your situation is a bit of a tough one, ODC. After putting in my time in a dorm room, I know all too well how difficult it can be to keep your private affairs to yourself when you are living is such close quarters with so many people. Chances are pretty good that your roommate probably has mentioned your little incident to some of his friends, and judging by your description of his behavior, he is probably a little freaked out by everything.
I think that it would be best to bite the bullet and talk to him as soon as possible. If you passively back away from this problem, you risk losing your roommate to the gulf of unreconciled weirdness that often results when we refuse to recognize uncomfortable problems we have with others.
So you need to come up with a plan of action for this little chat. Don’t make it too big of a deal, but don’t lie or try to hide the truth. Just be straightforward and tell your roommate that you are gay, but that shouldn’t change anything about your relationship with him as a friend or as a roomie. Tell him how important it is to you that he doesn’t allow this to freak him out and that he should just ask you if he has any questions or concerns about your sexuality. Let him know that you want to remain private about your sexual preference at this point and that you hope he’ll respect that decision by not telling anyone before you feel ready to tell them yourself. If he values your relationship as much as you do, then he will accept, and further weirdness will hopefully be avoided.
Dorms are microcosms where any little bit of gossip is as earth-shattering as a news story about our president’s concern for the tube down one woman’s throat. If word of your sexuality has leaked, you may find it difficult to remain in that dorm closet. I’m not saying that you have to let everyone know every little thing about you and your private life, but I sincerely believe that before others will feel comfortable with who you are, you must first feel secure about your own identity. College is the perfect time for new beginnings. Now that you are no longer living with your parents and don’t have to worry about what all those kids from high school who have known you for 14 years have to say, you can just be you and not really worry about people changing their opinion of you.
All I’m saying, ODC, is that your best bet is to be honest with yourself and everyone else. Lord knows that your life is still your business and your business alone, but I’m sure you’ll find it to be much simpler if you just worry about being true to yourself and not what everyone else thinks.
Disclaimer: Molly Kirwan has aspirations of being a sexpert but no professional training. To submit a comment or question, e-mail it to mkirwan01@hamline.edu or drop it off at the Oracle office (DS 106).
Posted by msveum at April 5, 2005 09:37 PM
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