Ailing Spanish department gets green light on new hires

CLA Dean and VP for Academic Affairs F. Garvin Davenport said last week that the university will hire two full-time, non-ątenure track professors for the Spanish program.

“I went against the grain on this one,” Davenport said, indicating that he had not cleared his decision with the Board of Trustees. “I just hope Larry [Osnes] and [Board of Trustee chair] Ken [Woodrow] are okay with this one.”

Davenport admitted that it’s not often he makes a decision without the support of the Board and said he was practically forced into it.

Couple finds gold at end of the Rainbow Foods

Mahatma Kane Jeeves, a resident of the Midway area for over 50 years, said he was worried how he was going to afford his retirement with his wife Nancy after the re-election of President Bush and the imposing doom of privatized Social Security. But late last week the Jeeves were able to sleep with some peace of mind, because they found the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Rainbow Foods, that is.

Mahatma and his wife, both in their late sixties, were doing their biweekly grocery shopping when they happened upon their newfound fortune.

Nancy was reaching back to the last box of Rainbow-brand crackers when her finger was bit, she said.
Startled, she pulled her hand back and looked back. She claims she saw a little person and what a pot. She felt around and pulled on what seemed to be a handle, and out came a black cast-iron pot filled with gold.

Editorial

The most recent issue of the Hamline magazine described President Larry Osnes and his wife Sue as a “dynamic duo” and featured several letters commending his tenure. Though they are truly such a duo, it is Larry who deserves most to be praised here.

We should mention first that were proud to see that so many white male Board of Trustee members, alumni from other schools, and former Hamline students with little knowledge of Osnes left such warm words of praise. These words further validate the warmth we feel inside of us for him. We were prouder to recently learn that this man will continue his legacy of the “golden years” on campus for another four years.

We liken Osnes’ return to a near-death experience. He was nearly gone, and then he came back to us.
And in this circumstance, we then discover 1) How important such a man is to us, and 2) How we should value the limited time we have with him.

Why won’t you add me as a friend?: Point vs Counterpoint

That online people-meeting thing, the one called Hamline Facebook, is like totally my most favorite thing ever. Like I wake up in the morning, and I totally run over to my computer and I get all over anxious when I’m waiting to sign in. It’s like the most exciting, coolest, bestest thing ever in the world. Really truly, the best thing ever.

Totally.

It’s only been a couple weeks since I have been a member. My name is alyssa. Not capitalized, to show how cool I am. Really. And so I’m really that cool because I already have 317 friends! That really just is so cool. I’m totally awesome at hamlinefacebook.com. One of the best. I want to be that girl who has like 276,986,756 friends. And I will, real soon. I just added Jamie, who I met at this big party last weekend at the house of these dorky guys who think they’re robots or something. Jamie will be friend 318 when she confirms. I’m just waiting for her to confirm me as a friend and then we’re totally set. I rock so hard!

Athletic director admits star Piper athletes are really robots

Athletic Director Dan O’Brien angrily admitted to the Oracle last week that several star Hamline athletes are indeed highly complex robots, a discovery that has serious, long-term negative consequences for the
athletic program.

Over the last 10 years, O’Brien said, 15 robots have been constructed in the basement of the Physical
Plant for the purpose of participating in sports teams and improving the competitiveness of the athletic department.

“I don’t regret a thing, except that we couldn’t crank out more robots,” O’Brien said. “Our sports teams are terrible, and even with superhuman robots we weren’t able to influence our poor MIAC standings.”

Under the covers... with Molly Kirwan

Dear Molly:

Just Not Getting It