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Mikkelsen later vehemently digressed from the topic of the Pipers’ program after he fielded a question concerning the downfall of ’80s super duo WHAM!

All signs indicated that Mikkelsen, although bipolar at times, still had pride in the university and its athletic ambitions. However, he slyly referred, off the record, to current male athletes as “knobgoblins.”

The mid-century hoops star’s rant went on and off and up and down for approximately 40 minutes, but Mikkelsen’s most outlandish, and arguably most purpose-driven attack took aim at the HU football team.

“Thank God the track team can hold their own in this ragtag conference, because a seven million dollar stadium for 70 individuals who collectively couldn’t beat a mute in a spelling bee will be the downfall of American higher education,” Mikkelsen said. “And you can quote me on that. I mean, who could be proud of a 1-7 conference record? Just cut your losses and enter a coed league, guys,” Mikkelsen remarked.
The alumnus’ brazen statement both prompted a question relating to jumping kittens by Mr. Cosell and unleashed a fury here on the university campus.

Enraged and intoxicated Hamline University football players overturned Klas Center tables and shouted four-letter expletives after the campus broadcast via satellite shifted from yet another unwarranted pat on the head to a well-deserved kick when down.

Linebacker Mike Walsh, who was recently profiled in the hack publication College Sporting News, led the team’s spirited display of oafish anger by maliciously kicking a chair and cursing at the television.

“Who the hell does this guy think he is?” the senior questioned. “Was he on the field against Macalester?
Did he see the Gustavus game? He’s just looking to crucify us. He doesn’t know nothing about our record.”

Walsh added that the team should still be referred to as the “Flaming Pipers,” a name he had lobbied for after the team’s two-game winning streak in early September.

According to the drunken ramblings of an un-named junior defensive back: “This [was a] building year, [the team] has talent and we’re going [to] run [the] tables next year.”

Consensus here is that the anonymous defenseman may be right, and the team should be given their due respect. Mikkelsen was a basketball player, after all, said sophomore Mike Pesko, and his football knowledge and credibility can be disputed.

Yet, he added, the star’s most convincing point was his citation of the team’s 14-47 record over the past six seasons.

“What kind of person could even allow themselves to admit to this kind of dismal failure,” Mikkelsen pleaded, “let alone be proud enough to parade around like a big man on campus.”

After his discussion of the football team ended, Mikkelsen abruptly ended the interview and stormed off.
In defense of his team, sophomore linebacker Russ Flaten said Thursday, “It’s really not how many wins and losses you get, it’s how the cookie crumbles. Last season did not work out that good for us, but we have been scraping all of the chocolate chips and M&Ms off these other cookies, so next year I think we are going to have the biggest cookie of all.”

Pastry analogies aside, the official response of Hamline football to Mikkelsen’s spirited interview was delivered by junior Ryan Laube at a Friday morning press conference.

“As an integral component of this school’s personality and social leadership, we, HU football, are deeply disappointed and burned by what Mr. Mikkelsen had to say. We feel that we do our part to bring up the morale of the campus not only on the field, but also at various extracurricular events and parties. We will continue to behave with the conduct that our various high schools have taught us, and we look forward to 2005.”

When notified that the year is indeed 2005, Laube grinned in a befuddled manner and led his Pipers, clad in letter jacket-s, to the Drew parking lot for the team’s annual “Ford vs. Chevy Exhaust Expo.”