« Why won’t you add me as a friend?: Point vs Counterpoint | Main | Former Hamline great blasts lack of success in Piper athletics, singles out HU football team »
March 29, 2005
Hamline cuts gymnastics program because team wins
Hamline University Athletic Director Dan O’Brien announced last week that the Piper gymnastics program will be cut, effective immediately.
The university made the decision because the gymnastics team, a perennial powerhouse in Div. III gymnastics and holder of national championship honors, makes the rest of Hamline’s poor athletic programs look even worse, O’Brien said.
“I really felt this was the best option for our university, our student athletes, and Piper athletics as a whole,” he said during a press conference in the Klas Center.
“Hamline continually sucks in most sports, and gymnastics was a huge embarrassment to our other teams, because they would make it to nationals every year and our other teams can’t even come close to having a .500 season,” he said.
Doug Byrnes, the Piper gymnastics coach, wasn’t surprised by the decision.
“You know, I’ve worked my butt off as a coach at this institution and I know how to successfully recruit. For years now, other coaches have been complaining about the success of my program behind my back, and
I knew this was bound to happen. They are all jealous of me and my athletes and I feel nothing but pity for them.”
He added: “I’ve built a strong winning tradition and I’ve won a national title for this institution. Was gymnastics making everyone else look bad? Of course we were! The other programs are poor, sure they are getting better, but will any other team win a national title? Heck no! We’re number one!”
Larry Osnes, Hamline’s president, weighed in on the issue, saying, “Hamline University athletics is much better now that we have axed our winners. I think it is better for us to be horrible in all areas of our sports than have one program make a complete embarrassment of our fine athletes and our fine university. Wait,
I mean they are fine individuals, not athletes. Thank you, Dan O’Brien, for suggesting we cut this team.”
The football team, who heard the news while gathered at a team meeting, was ecstatic.
“It’s about [expletive] time they got rid of those girls,” they said collectively. “That program is awesome and they make all of us look horrible because we can barely even win a MIAC game. Now gymnastics is no longer here to make us all cry at night.”
The men’s and women’s hockey teams are also a few of the programs that felt some weight lifted off their backs with the move to cut gymnastics. Both teams now feel okay with finishing at or near the bottom of the conference standings.
When reached for comment, none of the former Piper gymnasts responded. It has since been learned that the team, including coach Byrnes, will be starting a professional gymnastics league named the National Gymnastics League (NGL).
Hamline robotic gymnast Brittany Ehlis will remain at Hamline to complete “her” collegiate eligibility and likely will singlehandedly win a national title in gymnastics on “her” own for Hamline.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 01:38 PM
Comments
Post a comment
Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)
(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)