Oracle Online

The robot production line was built by McGough Construction and funded by a donation from two former
Hamline athletes, said Lowell Bromander, the associate vice president for facilities services.

“We thought folks would get suspicious when we started construction,” Bromander said, “but since [President Larry] Osnes was so adept at raising money for new facilities, no one suspected a thing.”

Three robots are still in commission. The first, named “Andy Gagnon,” was the starting quarterback last year and is now a star outfielder for the baseball team. The second, carrying the designation “Rachael Young,” is the standout goalie for the women’s hockey team and holds records in career saves and wins.
The third is gymnastics robot “Brittany Ehlis,” which won All-American honors in national competition last year.

The robots were given names, vital statistics and majors, and were integrated into academic life.
Professors say the robots were programmed so beautifully that they fit seamlessly among college students.

“[Gagnon] took my Topics in European History class last year,” said a non-tenured professor who wished to remain anonymous. “He was quiet, but when he spoke, everything he said fit nicely into class discussions.”

The professor said he was disappointed after learning that Gagnon was indeed a robot and had no significant future in human society.

“He was a nice guy. He would have been a great history teacher and coach someday,” the professor said.

Students were equally baffled by the discovery.

“Wow,” said first-year Andrea Richter.

Each year for five years, three robots were activated and given skills comparative to the level of top
Division III competitors. Some questioned the decision to not program the robots with stronger abilities.
O’Brien said the ideal robot was one that was a standout in the division, but would never be recruited.

“I can’t imagine what would have happened if one of our robots was recruited for the NBA or even a baseball minor league farm team,” he said. “It would have been highly immoral for our robots to participate in sports outside of campus.”

Though current robot production has ceased, there are no current plans to shut down the three active models.

“If you’ve got it, well, flaunt it, I guess,” O’Brien said. “We have three unbelievable robots who contribute heavily to the success of our team. Our hope is that someday we will have humans who are as equally talented.”