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March 29, 2005
Jenni Schmidt cracks Brad-Jen mystery: Pauly
The recent split between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt caused rampant speculation on what caused Hollywood’s favorite golden couple to part ways. Reports ranging from pregnancy to a secret affair between Brad and Angelina Jolie were slung through the tabloids.
However, here in a rhetOracle exclusive, is the true story behind the breakup - the story of the secret romance between Aniston and that titan of the screen, Pauly Shore.
The two met one lazy Saturday outside of Rodeo Drive. Aniston had spent the day shopping with chum
Courteney Cox, while Shore was doing street theater with Corey Feldman. It was love at first sight, with Shore crying out “Jennifer!” to which she replied “Aren’t you the guy from Perfect Strangers?” They had dinner at a bistro (reports are that Shore tried to pay, though there was some sort of malfunction with his credit card) and soon, a timeless romance had sprung.
With Pitt off filming Troy, Aniston was able to spend many nights with her paramour. They visited all of the hottest nightclubs (you may have seen the pictures in Enquirer č you know, the ones marked “Aniston Spotted with Dog-Walker”), took fantastic getaways to sunny resorts, and even went to a performance of the Blue Man Group (Shore wanted to see the guy who stole his part). However, this still wasn’t enough, as Pitt would soon be returning and their romance would have to go into the background without doing something drastic. Then, the lovers had a brilliant idea č they would costar together!
The first thought was to cast Shore on Aniston’s show Friends. However, the producers didn’t like the idea of Rachel dumping Ross for Gunther’s cousin Larry. She thought about having him star in Along Came
Polly, but Universal had stipulated in Aniston’s contract that the film had to make money, so that was out.
They even floated the idea of making Bruce Almighty 2: Pauly Shore as God, but somehow that didn’t get off the ground.
Meanwhile, Pitt had started to notice that a strange man was hanging around the house who didn’t make seven figures or higher, so he hired a private investigator and discovered the whole story. Upon learning it was Pauly Shore who his wife was having a secret tryst with, Pitt ripped the Bio-Dome posters off his bedroom wall and left Aniston all alone in their Beverly Hills home. Finally left with her new man, Aniston and Shore secretly ran off to Vegas and were wed by the same guy who married Britney Spears (the first time).
So, what’s next for Hollywood’s newest lovebirds? Expect to see Aniston in a string of Hollywood films this year featuring luminaries such as Shirley MacLaine, Clive Owen, and Mark Ruffalo. As for Shore, well, word on his application to The Surreal Life should be in any day now.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 01:36 PM
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