« Mario to star in Jacko biopic | Main | 50 Cent and Bob Dylan team up on new album »
March 29, 2005
God breaks two-thousand-year silence to condemn the state of Texas
As it turns out, according to the release, translated from Hebrew, “God most certainly did not bless Texas. He is an intangible, omnipotent being, with no ‘hands,’ as this group of cowboys would lead us to believe.
Had the song read ‘Jesus blessed Texas,’ we may be in a whole new situation, but we here in the afterlife like to think of Texas as an ink spot on a North American map otherwise filled with potential.”
The news comes as a shock to Little Texas, the six-member country music megagroup formed in 1984 to whip, lasso, and spur country music into the late ’80s and early ’90s non-incestuous mainstream.
Duane Propes, the band’s bassist and Amherst, Mass., native, sobered up for an online interview after the news from Heaven was released.
“The motive for writing this song came from years and years of drinkin’ and shootin’,” Propes said. “I was out with Abilene, my hound dog and wife. I looked at them oil rigs behind the high-school stadium and said, ‘Yep! This is what life is all about.’ But man, to be called out by God himself, shoot, makes you think twice about a lot of things.”
Not all parties involved with God’s blessing revocation are suffering, however. Heaven’s largest competitor in the market of afterlife asset acquisition, Hell Inc., has always taken in a steady increase of subjects from the Lone Star State, and following God’s renunciation, Hell Inc. sees it as the formalizing of a nearly century-and-a-half long process.
Said soul proprietor L. Tomlinson: “Sure, we have highways that lead here, and the atmosphere is always improving after a bat leaves at a ferocious rate, but Heaven’s final separation from the state has given us a near monopoly. Texas’ prisons, inadequate football athletes, and divorces make up nearly 20 percent of our North American base. When coupled with the last tie of remaining pride being cut by the big guy, well, we expect summer volume to pick up quite substantially.”
Little Texas. the group America came to know and love in the early ‘90s, is trying to shrug off yet another blow to their confidence. The sextet has tried to keep a cool collective head, but signs are not looking up; the RIAA has now revoked silver-album standing for Big Time, the record that features “God Blessed Texas.”
“We are just doing our best to keep our heads up,” said guitarist Dwayne O’Brien. “I remember back when ‘Some Guys Have All the Love’ [the group’s first single] came out, DJs started saying that we’s all were, y’know, funny. We just kept going like it wasn’t nothing, because down home we’s all are straight as arrows. Now God ain’t no DJ, but, y’know, same idea.”
All six members of Little Texas are currently working alongside the likes of Milli Vanilli, Christina Aguilera, and Too $hort in nowąordained minister MC Hammer’s “It’s Yammer Time” talk therapy group for inspirationally drained popular artists.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 01:34 PM
Comments
Post a comment
Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)
(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)