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March 29, 2005
New gun society revealed to be terrorist organization
The Hamline University Gun Society (HUGS) ruffled a few feathers when they organized at the beginning of the semester. However, new information has revealed that HUGS poses a much viler threat to the Hamline campus than previously thought.
Sources have confirmed that HUGS is indeed a front for “Foodomination,” the deadly terrorist organization that has been plaguing college and university campuses across the nation throughout the past year.
Foodomination operates simply but terribly. The organization sends operatives into various campus organizations and, unaware, students pass critical information about their eating habits to Foodomination masterminds, who then plot swift and deadly food fights during peak hours of on-campus dining. One victim of Foodomination, who wishes to remain anonymous for her own protection, spoke out, saying,
“Foodomination’s leaders are really smart. They know that college students have nowhere else to go for food but to the dining halls. We’re prime targets.”
Just how many victims Foodomination has claimed remains unclear. Due to the humiliating nature of the attacks, many victims remain silent. But it is clear that the numbers, while already high, are growing.
Police projections show that by spring 2006, a staggering 75 percent of college students will have fallen victim to the group. Most of these victims will be underclassmen between the ages of 18 and 20, since this group tends to spend more time eating in the dining halls.
Director of Safety and Security Shirleen Hoffman declined comment, but rumor has it that her office still hopes to keep these attacks quiet from the rest of the community. Meanwhile, the decision to disband the group HUGS has been vehemently protested, with some students believing it to be merely a political decision.
HUSC vice-president Mike Pesko has decided to forego his highly-advertised “coffee talks” with organizations’ executive board members for fear of the consequences, should Foodomination launch an attack of scalding coffee. Interestingly, Shanelle Evens and John MulÄ, HUSC president and vice-president elect, have made no mention about their plans for combating this threat, leaving the student body to wonder what they may have planned to ensure the safety of the student body.
Although it is still unclear what Foodomination hopes to achieve through the attacks, there has been some conjecture that Foodomination leaders are actually members of the aging baby-boomer generation, launching a last-ditch effort to keep the youth from taking their position as “the future of our nation.”
Sources believe the organization hopes to send college campuses into enough disarray so as to keep Generation Y from seizing power.
Many students have commented on the increase in demeaning remarks from older generations, aimed at current college students.
Such psyche-damaging comments as “young brats” and “damn kids” have become commonplace in today’s society. It is clear that inter-generational relations are at a historical low.
Hamline students can only hope that the administration, where the baby-boomer generation forms a shocking majority, can keep a fair front to their dealings with students.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 01:04 PM
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