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In order to fund the extra costs of the policy in an already cash-scrapped department, cuts will be made in janitorial services, virtually eliminating all restroom cleaning in the dorms. Water and electricity quotas will also be added and enforced.

“We feel the added comfort is worth the added costs,” claimed a HUSC-representative who has run on the two-ply platform for the past three years.

HU theater brings original Shakespeare cast of Romeo and Juliet

In an attempt to legitimize their productions, two members of Hamline’s theater department traveled to London to retrieve the original cast of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.

Sophomores Maggie Anthony and Drew McCullough hatched their plan after seeing the theater’s latest production, On the Verge; or, the Geography of Yearning.

According to Anthony, On the Verge was just a continuation of a long string of boring productions put on by the department that began with the retirement of Anne Simley in 1958.

“I don’t know why they dug up the graves. They’re just corpses with no acting talent,” director Bill Wallace said. After three weeks of searching and digging, against Wallace’s criticisms, the remains of the original
Romeo and Juliet, along with Mercutio, Benvolio and the beloved Nurse will make their first postmortem stage appearance in the fall of 2005.

After the 2005ą06 academic year, the group will be placed back in their graves, in accordance with the terms of their contract.

The actors will not be paid, as “their opportunity to spend time on Earth should be adequate compensation,” Anthony said.

“Come on, they’re dead and we’re exploiting them. I see no reason to use the theater budget to pay for their services,” she said.

Former U.S. VP Dan Quayle attempts to hold press conference

Former U.S. vice president Dan Quayle held a brief press conference yesterday. Four journalists showed up on the former VP’s lawn in Indianapolis when he sent out word that he had something big to say.
His statement?

“I am, for the record, no longer the dumbest Republican in the history of the party,” Quayle said to the small crowd. “I have the great honor of passing that torch on to President Bush, who has butchered the
English language beyond my simple spelling mistakes. I pray for our country and for the next four more years of having a subpar orator in the big office. Thank you, I will now take questions.”

The four journalists each reported that the other three journalists in attendance snickered. One told
Quayle: “This is old news! We can’t cover this - too late again, buddy.”

Punch and cookies followed the press conference. No potato chips were in sight.

Compiled by staff