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March 29, 2005
VP of finance reveals gigantic package: New investment portfolio to reduce tuition 10 percent, make new student center a reality
With the economy continuing to tank faster and faster as a result of the wars in the Middle East, Hamline University’s vice president of finance made a shrewd monetary move. At the behest of the Board of
Trustees and President Larry Osnes, Doug Anderson arranged to shift nearly all of the university’s $150 million endowment into the one industry that would surely be profitable for years to come: the war industry.
The move will save students at least 10 percent on tuition each year, will make the construction of a new student center possible within the next few years, and will substantially increase the college’s financial aid offerings and scholarships.
“Eisenhower had it all wrong, you see,” Anderson said. “The military-industrial complex isn’t a bad thing, per se. They do have good margins.”
Some faculty members, more concerned with “ethics” and “values” than with the university’s bottom line, objected to the new investments.
Professor Earl Schwartz questioned whether investing in these companies would do more harm to the university than good.
“We can do without money č we’ve done without it before č but can we do without heart, without morals, without values? Can we?” he asked.
For Anderson, the answer is unequivocal.
“Yes,” Anderson said. “We can do without heart. I’ve actually projected the probable financial impact that a loss of ‘heart, morals, and values’ would have on our bottom line.
“We’ll be better off siding with the warmongers on this one, I’m afraid.”
Shona Ramchandani, student congress president, said she wished the administration had consulted students before making this move, but admitted she does enjoy the new hot tub in the HUSC office, made possible by the reinvestment.
“It’s difficult to say whether this was a good move or a bad move for the university,” Ramchandani said, reclining and soaking in 98-degree water.
Colin Schumacher, representing Hamline’s Students FOR Peace, decried the new investments in an e-mail CCed to nearly everyone on campus. “This is a travesty,” he wrote. “Where have our values gone?”
Not all of the university’s investments will be shifted to defense industry stocks. Some, Anderson said, will shifted into “slightly less evil” industries such as retail and media that are “nearly as profitable” as their jack-booted counterparters.
Anderson reported that nearly all Hamline’s new investments posted record gains following the re-election of President George W. Bush.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 12:59 PM
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