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March 29, 2005
For HUSC, a fated brush with the dark prince
In a surprising display last week, Lucifer himself was seen in attendance at the general assembly meeting of the student congress. Seated near the back, wearing a long dark cloak and what several witnesses have described as “interesting green underpants,” Satan said nothing but did vote on several key proceedings.
“I mean, I was kinda surprised that the devil would care at all about Hamline, but hey, he’s got a right to be as political as he wants, I guess,” said sophomore representative Sarah Atwood-Hoffman.
Five minutes into the proceedings, a faint puff of sulfurous smoke arose from the projection room, followed by Beelzebub himself, who glanced around and then quietly took a seat. Many at the meeting were not aware that Satan had decided to show up.
Said one surprised HUSCer: “I had no idea my lord was even there! I guess I expected something flashier from the prince of darkness.”
HUSC President Shona Ramchandani expressed her surprise after hearing that Lucifer had been privy to the meeting.
“I did see a guy who looked a little strange back there, now that you mention it, but I just figured it was one of those fraternity guys, you know, the ones who ride moving equipment around campus in pirate apparel? I never would have expected to see the devil.”
One area of apparent interest for Lucifer was the formation of the new gun-friendly group on campus.
According to a source, Satan emitted an audible snort of disappointment upon hearing that one of the primary goals of the fledgling organization is to teach students about gun safety.
Satan seemed to perk up a bit, however, at the mention of the free coffee in the student center basement.
This is not the first incident linking our local coffee outlet and the leader of the underworld. Last June, allegations were swirling that Satan was part of the planning committee for the opening of the Klas CafÄ, which houses the Java City offerings.
Current university president Larry Osnes defended the university against such claims in an official statement, which read, “We do not condone collaboration with any demon or other spiritual being besides the Lord Jesus Christ, in accordance with our university’s original creationary beliefs.”
Added Osnes in a personal interview, “I guess I personally have no beef with Satan, but I think my board [Board of Trustees] would like it better if, for instance, Jesus or the Virgin Mary were to descend from heaven instead with the intent to participate.”
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 12:56 PM
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