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March 29, 2005
Ghost of Jerry Greiner still haunting Old Main
Months after his sudden and tragic departure from Hamline and this world, former provost Jerry Greiner continues to haunt Hamline’s oldest building, Old Main.
Greiner’s ghost, somehow trapped between the world of the living and dead and, more specifically, trapped between the basement and second floors of the campus’ administrative building, has been demanding the right to start up his old sex therapy practice in his old office.
This development has not been met with all smiles from the office’s current occupant, CLA Dean and VP of Academic Affairs Garvin Davenport.
“Sure, it’s nice to have Jerry around for old time’s sake,” Davenport said. “But the way he keeps harassing students and staff is just incorrigible.”
“Honestly,” he said, “I think Jerry needs to move on with his afterlife.”
Greiner’s ghost has reportedly been giving frequent and unsolicited sex advice to students and staff who happen to walk down his hallway. While he was still walking this earth č not floating two feet above the ground in a hazy, smoky mist č Greiner had had his own private practice in which he often helped married couples deal with sexual dysfunction.
Until a few weeks ago, the presence of Greiner’s ghost had been received as an unsettling novelty at best, but when the ghost of the former provost asked a probing personal question of Life Trustee Sandy Klas, Davenport and the president’s office decided enough was enough.
The administration has since struck a deal with Greiner’s ghost and has enlisted the help of the faculty to please the apparition.
In exchange for a touch more discretion on his part, some faculty members have agreed to meet with Greiner’s ghost regularly to discuss their sex lives and receive advice from the otherworldly spirit.
First to sign up for sessions were faculty couple Mike Reynolds and Kris Deffenbacher of the English department, who will be meeting with Greiner’s ghost every Thursday afternoon in his old office.
Deffenbacher says she is uncomfortable with her husband’s unabashed honesty with students regarding his personal life and is hoping that ghost Greiner will be able to set him straight.
“Honsestly, how many people need to know that he got a vasectomy this winter?” she asked. “He thinks he’s being hip and cool about it, but it’s just too much, really.”
Being a ghost, Greiner’s apparition has no need for money and will be offering his services for free.
If this arrangement works out well, a Hamline Entertainment and Activities Team (HEAT) spokesperson said Greiner’s ghost will be invited to do a hypnotist act at the senior party this spring.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 12:51 PM
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