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Election losers drink selves into stupor

On election day, seniors Jon Guyer and Graham Lampa were confident their write-in campaign would push them to the top of the HUSC ballot. However, their bid fell short, with the duo receiving a total of five votes. The loss was so devastating that Guyer and Lampa promptly bought a roll of duct tape, a funnel and some plastic tubing, and began slamming “forties,” or 40-ounce cans of malt liquor.

“It’s sad that HUSC can make such an impact on these students’ lives,” said first-year representative Alex
Erickson said. “It’s not like they have that much power, anyway.”

After emptying their supply of Camo High Gravity lager, the pair finished off their evening with triple shots of Karkov vodka. Guyer was the first to pass out, which he did promptly at 11 p.m., just one hour after posting news of his loss on the HUSC website. Although Guyer recovered within the week, Lampa said he has a persistent migraine and is continually nauseous.

Study reveals Hamline students more apathetic than initially believed

An overwhelming 700 students reported feelings of overwhelming apathy toward all academic and social
functions at Hamline, according to a recent study.

The study, conducted by Institutional Assessment Director Mary Heather Smith, asked students a variety of questions. Some included: Should there be a student representative on the Board of Trustees? Do you care about HUSC? and Do your classes benefit from diverse perspectives? Students were given three options: “Yes,” “No,” and “Indifferent.” On nearly every question, students chose the last option, “Indifferent.”

The survey’s single surprise found that 90 percent of students said they go home on weekends. Of those who remain on campus, 99 percent were international students.

Smith is working on a follow-up survey, which she said will attempt to determine the cause of “such alarming levels of Hamline apathy.”

Critics of the study cited low return rates as reason to doubt the accuracy of any statisctical inferences drawn from the data.

Women’s Resource Center binges during spring break

Some students spent their spring breaks chugging Coronas while others participated in valuable projects during service learning trips. Unlike most, however, the representatives of the Women’s Resource Center spent the week recovering from Eating Disorder Awareness week by binging on Moon Pies, Reddi-Wip and Hershey’s chocolate.

The average member gained six pounds, a WRC insider said. The extra communal heft prompted the organization to sponsor next week’s “Day of Purging,” to take place simultaneously in every campus bathroom at 7 p.m. this Wednesday.