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March 29, 2005
Osnes rescinds retirement: Promises Hamline “four more years”
In an announcement met with widespread gasps and isolated pockets of applause, President Larry Osnes announced to a poorly attended CLA faculty meeting last Wednesday that he would be staying on as president, despite his pledge exactly two years ago to leave the university peacefully.
“I’ve decided that it is in my best interest and in the best interest of Hamline as a whole to remain president of this fine institution,” Osnes said. “I promise the campus at least four more years of service č probably more.”
Quoting the ever-relevant John Wesley, Osnes said that he would “do all the good he can, in all places he can, to all the people he can, as long as ever he can” and committed himself to completing a full two decades of service to Hamline.
Osnes said he would kick off his 18th year as president with new initiatives aimed at cutting costs and raising university revenue. In addition to beginning cash-cow degree-completion and online degree programs, Osnes said that he would personally help out more around campus to help defray labor costs.
First, he said, he will be refocusing his energies from off-campus fund raising to a more hands-on approach.
“I’m already making more than any other nonprofit president in Minnesota, so why worry about that piddly fundraising bonus every year?” Osnes asked rhetorically. “I want to get my hands dirty.”
To that end, Osnes has worked up an agreement with Associate VP for Facilities Services Lowell
Bromander to assist his student workers in their gardening duties once the ground thaws. Student grounds worker Nick Farr said he welcomes Osnes to the team.
“I’ve heard people talking about Osnes’ green thumb,” Farr said, “but I never thought I would get to see it in action.”
Osnes said he will also be serving meals at Sorin dining hall, collating class readers in the copy center, and helping out at the Office of Multicultural and International Student Affairs as a mentor to students of color.
Osnes will also be team-teaching a history class this fall with Professor Kate Bjork covering Hamline’s 150-year history from a Latin American perspective.
The degree completion program will allow students who attended a two-year vocational or technical school to obtain a Hamline degree by filling out the necessary paperwork, paying a year’s tuition, and taking two courses satisfying cultural breadth requirements, Osnes said.
The online learning program will allow students get their degrees and “set themselves free” without ever having to step foot on campus.
Osnes’ announcement has come as quite the shock to those who had been awaiting his departure for years.
“Does this man have no decency?” asked one perennial faculty troublemaker. “When will this long national nightmare end?”
When asked for his reaction to the news, Osnes opposition ringleader Duane Cady declined to comment.
Members of the faculty who had been laboring all week to build a 10-foot wide “Larry O” retirement countdown clock in front of the Klas Center stopped work shortly after the announcement and threw their tools down in disgust.
Posted by msveum at March 29, 2005 07:22 PM
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