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February 22, 2005

Leslie Schumacher: Living the yuppie dream

Whilst quietly sipping coffee from a 50-cent Ikea mug at the Acadia on Nicollet, I came across an ad in the Twin Cities edition of the Onion for some realty company called “Emerald Gardens” that used the most ridiculous reasoning to entice its buyers. It had a picture of lunch counter with an older gentleman reading the paper as an underexposed waitress/ghoul stood mid-pose (and creepily) behind said counter.

The ad read across the top: “Get to the local diner in short order,” with a line under the picture saying:
“Keys Cafe. Conveniently located near Emerald Gardens, Urban Townhomes & Loft Condominiums.” This was followed by a line across the bottom of the ad - in bold, 24-point “Script” font - that said: “Cool homes. Cooler Neighborhood.”

Evidently, I, a possibly well-heeled member of the Onion’s target audience, was supposed to be intrigued by the idea of living near a ... diner.

So rapt did this advertising firm believe I would be become at the sight of an old man reading the STrib and a see-through waitress (how artsy, pro photographer, how artsy, and not trite at all) that I would either rush out to the office of this realtor, phone them, or visit their site.

Please, please, I said - let there be just a few more condos left. I have so often been sitting in the middle of the metro-frickin’-area and said to myself, “There really just aren’t enough places to eat bad but trendily unrefined food. Why am I not cool enough to live near that hip retro diner like those good folks down in Emerald Gardens?”

Maybe I, humble Leslie that I am, am somehow destined to become part of that august breed of young trust-fund beatniks as to afford a - are you ready for this? - $200,000 to $384,000 two-bedroom apartment!

That’s right. I went to the site (because I’m tech-savvy like that), and that is the range of options for this “ungated” community that situates you near so many quaint, lifestyle-building locations. What a price! But consider the copious number of untouched, unspoiled, and existentially established elderly businesses.
Oh, I would be living the dream!

Let me get my hot little hands on all that decadent reality that is so often lacking from all this world’s realty. It would be like Northern Exposure, except not in Alaska or ... um, really at all.

The analogy doesn’t matter. Look me in the eyes and hear how I will finish this rant against that which makes me itch. (Huh?)

Now, I enjoy food. In fact, it is delicious, and there is not a day that does not go by that I do not eat it.
Sometimes, of course, food can be bad, and I eschew it from my regular eating regimen until the commencement of my next meal, of which there are generally three in one 24-hour period. Owing to the physical or emotional distemper incurred as a result of the said “bad meal,” if I am at this point lucky enough, it is possible I will surpass the enjoyment of my previous meal due either to the higher quality of the foodstuff arrayed before me or the degree to which the current meal resembles the character of my palate. And it should be noted that if I did not eat food, I would most certainly die.

This last paragraph is roughly as ridiculous as the idea that anyone in their right mind is going to purchase a freaking quarter-of-a-million-dollar apartment just because you can buy a greasy denver omelet and drink of cup of rancid coffee - for $8, I might add - without having to get into your car or take the bus to some other low-quality diner.

Let’s admit it: We’d all love to have the kind of dollar bills these Y2K yuppies have. But I hope that if I had that money, I would have better taste in food. Or a jet.

Posted by msveum at February 22, 2005 04:36 PM

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