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February 08, 2005
The D.C. Expos they’re not
When the Boston Red Sox pulled off the impossible and beat the New York Imperials - I mean, the Yankees - in last season’s AL playoff finals, I was bemused and later annoyed when star pitcher Curt Schilling said his game-six win was a result of the prayers he made the night before.
What gives? Aren’t the Yankees supposed to be “America’s Team”? And because of all their runs - or as they should really be known, “Patriot Points” - doesn’t their success, by its very nature, mean they are God’s team?
The audacity, Curt! Penance is in order; your prayers fall on deaf ears. In reality, it should be clear that God is not on the side of either Boston or New York. He is unconcerned with their petty squabbles, however historic.
No, no, people, God is impartial to these upperąNew England scrappers and their overpaid housepets. (For the record, I have no idea what that last statement means.)
God cares little if either team is winning or losing. He has taken to screening His calls whenever Curt, A-
Rod, and the whole brood prays during their pregame Hot Pockets. “Why, oh why,” He says, “did I ever give them my cell number? Don’t they know that Heaven is roaming?”
Sadly, the church will not help them one bit. Some people (mostly bloggers) say that protection from hellfire in the New England area is at an all-time low.
Although Bible sales are increasing, the thinness of the paper, the teeny-tiny text, and the sore lack of illustrations of the battles in 1 and 2 Kings have stymied any ecumenical Christian effort to halt the growing number of dead that are rising in accordance with Revelation 20.
The president has been unavailable for comment on whether or not these “dead” are for freedom or for terrorism, but whiny players and fans in these two fair cities are surely to blame.
Anyway, it will be hard for New England, now that God has better things about which to concern Himself. Like with America’s new favorite team, the Washington Nationals (not to confused with the soon-to-be-hapless D.C. Expos).
As I am sure it is crystal-clear to us, in the last few years God has jumped on the America band-wagon. But can you blame Him? In terms of righteousness, right now America is hotter than hot! So why shouldn’t His favorite team of our favorite sport of His favorite country be our favorite city’s new, probably crappy, and surely pointless expansion team?
Let’s face it and open the floodgates: All the angels in the heavenly choir have become more devoted to the U. S. of A. than Japanese indie popsters, illegal immigrants seeking an alternative to abject servility, and Poland. There is no telling how high America can go on the metaphysical charts, although Heaven is the limit (no pun intended, I assure you).
Even God, now employing as His name a mysterious acronym, “YHWH,” has issued a statement through His son Jesus, who says in Mark 12:34: “Thou art not far, Washington Nationals, from the Kingdom of God.”
What is to come of this? Is it an end of an era? Why am I talking about baseball, even satirically, so long after the end of the season? Does Leslie have a reason? Is he bored and thinking more about dinner than column-writing? Has he disregarded roughly 4.23 x 10^12 different grammar rules in this piece?
Perhaps! Perhaps! Perhaps! To all three! Ah, you readers of little faith - it is all a lesson, only a little bit of good horse sense; a caveat for what could come.
Let us not spend our time worrying about allegorical wrath and God’s fantasy-baseball draft picks. Rather, let us eat, drink, and be merry!
There is music to be heard and watercraft to build; there are seas to swallow and leather-bound journals to use as chinking in drafty walls; there is a step on the basement stairs - yes, that one - that needs to be fixed.
I am trying to help, but I only ever played Little League - and not even God could fix my swing.
Posted by msveum at February 8, 2005 04:18 PM