Oracle Online

Some say the meaning of a word lies in the context in which it’s spoken.

For instance, if a small child were in his room playing by himself and his mother came to his door and inquired, “What are you doing?”, then the child’s response, “I’m playing with my stuffed monkey,” would have a literal meaning: He’s playing with his factory-produced stuffed monkey. Now, if a pimply, unemployed, 34-year-old computer geek were behind a closed door, fervidly grunting, and his mother came to his door and inquired, “What are you doing?”, then the man’s response, “I’m playing with my stuffed monkey,” would mean something entirely different.

Unfortunately, this theory doesn’t take into account the myriad vernaculars that further complicate the successful transmission of meaning through language. Someone from Greenwich, Conn., would have difficulty talking with someone from Compton, Calif.

However, don’t let what I’ve written get you down. For I havečjust a few minutes ago, actuallyčfigured out a solution to the problem of communication. All language should be translated into pseudo-scientific jargon, which could then become a universal language.

This solution would dissolve the barriers between different dialects. There would be no more pesky connotations. Words such as “morphological,” “luminous flux,” and “superconductor” will wipe away all hints of opacity in language.

In order to demonstrate the sheer power and efficacy of my thesis, I will translate classic “yo momma” cracks (a black vernacular term for insults) into scientific-sounding jargon.

Regular vernacular: Yo momma’s so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Scientific-sounding jargon: Your female progenitor’s mental faculty is defective to such an extent that in order for her to be sufficiently cognizant of the content’s meaning conveyed by the information-imparting program whose appellation is 60 Minutes, it is incumbent upon her to view the show for a length of time that is double what is normally required.

Regular vernacular: Yo momma’s so fat that when she wears a red sweater, people call her “the Kool-Aid man.”

Scientific-sounding jargon: Your female progenitor’s physical mass exceeds that of standard Homo sapiens to such a degree that one’s senses are irreparably obfuscated, resulting in the inability to cognitively differentiate between your mother and the commercial caricature “the Kool-Aid man.”

Isn’t it amazing? My ingenious system of translation will enable white people to finally comprehend what “ski, ski, ski” means. It will render Ozzy Osbourne’s words intelligible. And the best thing about my new system of translation is that John Kerry wouldn’t have to adjust his speech.