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October 05, 2004

Under the covers...with Molly Kirwan

Dear Molly:

I like to talk to my friends about sex, but I feel pretty self-conscious about it. I’m afraid that if I’m too open about it, I’ll come off as a total slut. How do I approach this topic without sounding like I’m bragging or a whore?

Dirty Talker

There’s a stereotype at work here, DT, that often weighs heavily on young people who are just starting to experiment with sex. When you first become sexually active, it’s like you’ve just started to explore this bizarre new world. It’s only natural to feel curious about others’ experience and want to share your own. But then there is this voice, the ever-droning monologue of “decent society” telling us that sex is something that should be relegated to the world that exists only behind bedroom doors. After all, it is only polite.

But, of course, ever since birth we are exposed to this steamy, illicit, and totally sensational representation of sex that exists on television, movies, magazines, everywhere. Our society seems to be simultaneously obsessed with and ashamed of sex. It’s portrayed as both incredibly desirable and disgraceful. And that puts us, the very confused children of this society, in a difficult place. Does it make you a slut if you like talking about sex? Are you a prude if you don’t?

We all find out pretty quickly that sex is not like what plays out on The O.C., so we need another, more reliable source of information to educate us and tell us what to expect. But then again, TV doesn’t judge you. It is embarrassing when you first start talking to others about sex because that puts you in a vulnerable position. You are admitting to another that you participate in an act that is often thought of as inappropriate and unspeakable in the public sphere, at least by real people who do not exist within the latest Kate Hudson romantic comedy. As you may recall “decent society” telling you, sex is only truly acceptable in the real world as a means of procreation. I mean, look at how many anti-sodomy laws (and that legally includes oral sex) are still on the books in almost every state! But as most anyone who has had a positive sexual experience knows (and that’s almost all of us if you include masturbating), sex can just simply be funčand where’s the shame in discussing something that’s just good, old-fashioned fun?

Of course, as a sex columnist, I think it is only healthy to talk extensively about sex. Sex is fun, but it can be dangerous. I believe that we should be able to discuss it openly so that as many people as possible are having the best experiences possible. Education is necessary on this subject, as well as a few helpful tips to overcome the inherent awkwardness of the act. However, many people will always feel uncomfortable discussing sex, and I have to respect that. For some, sex is a private act to be shared only by those who are engaging in it together. I think this can be a healthy attitude to hold as well, as long as these people are being responsible enough to educate themselves through reliable sources.

So, no, DT, you are not a slut, and I wouldn’t worry too much about coming off as one around your friends. Chances are, as young, college-age students, they’re probably just as interested in sex as you are and would be excited for an opportunity to start sharing and comparing experiences. But if you do bring up the subject and feel that the topic is being avoided or met with resistance, I would take this as a hint that this person is not comfortable talking about this area. Don’t take it as a diss or a judgment of your character; just find another pal to broach the subject matter with. I bet you’ll be surprised at how many are willing to explore the topic with you.


Disclaimer: Molly Kirwan has aspirations of being a sexpert, but no professional training. To submit a comment or question, e-mail it to mkirwan01@gw.hamline.edu or drop it off at the Oracle office (DS 106).

Posted by msveum at October 5, 2004 08:49 PM

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