« Editoral | Main | Fare thee well, congress »

October 05, 2004

An immodest proposal

Asher McClinton
Columnist

Before you commit yourself to reading this immodest proposal of mine, I caution you about the potentially offensive content that you may encounter.

Controversy is unavoidable when candidly expressing one’s opinion in a publication, especially when it’s my opiniončwhich never fails to raise a few hairs. Now that you have been sufficiently appraised of the possible disagreeableness of what’s to come, I shall proceed.

I’ve been having problems acquiring a decent job, which puts me in the same predicament as millions of other Americans. This country’s unemployment rate is 5.5 percent; a figure I received from my informative economics professor.

No longer does a college diploma (let alone a Hamline diploma) guarantee an enviable occupation.

What I’m saying is this: The economy is floundering, big time. Extreme measures must be employed to remedy this perilous situation. Our esteemed symbols of democracy, the King of Texas and the Boston Brahmin, seem unwilling to if not incapable of doing what’s necessary to resuscitate our once inexorably productive economy.

This is where I step in with an idea that will make the Internet boom look like the stock-market crash. I propose that, in order to alleviate this country’s economic woes, the government of the United States of America legalize prostitution and the distribution and consumption of marijuana.

Now before you dismiss me as a flippant radical and maybe a pervert I implore you to sympathetically contemplate my reasoning.

People enjoy sex, am I right? Many peoplečdespite their ardent effortsčcan’t have it. This makes for a vastly profitable market. No longer will amorous men feel obligated to pay the bill at a classy restaurant. They can save their money, forego the frustrating mind games, and head straight for Lake Street for a quality evening under the covers. Women need not feel left out on the receiving end. For, if legalized, men too could become practitioners of the oldest profession in the world.

Imagine how much revenue and how many jobs would be generated by the legalization of prostitution. It could supplant the porn industry as the most lucrative market for sexual stimulation. People from all over the world (except maybe those in Amsterdamčwhich has already made the shrewd decision of giving the people what they want) will travel to our truly free country to reap the benefits of good old-fashioned American promiscuity.

Maybe frivolous morals have gotten in the way of prostitution’s being legalized, but what’s honestly stopping marijuana from joining the ranks of the most profitable goods in the stock market? Everyone knows that it has medical benefits. It relieves stress. It provides white middle-class idlers with an outlet for rebellion. And it will greatly boost the profits of various snack foods that are a complement of weed.

Picture this: You’re driving down the street after a stressful day in school. You want to allay your mental pain, and you know that ice cream just won’t do it. You stop at a gas station, and upon entering the front door you see a dime bag dangling from a hook in the fashion of cheap hard candies.

You purchase the now-legalized substance, which now has a tax attached to it. Ten minutes later, your problems are solved save for the fact that you forgot to get Cheetos.

Politicians are well known to be the most rabid consumers of illegal sex and drugs. So with their backing, we should have no problem with effecting the most brazen and successful economic policy in our fair country’s history. If all goes well, I might finally find some work.

Posted by msveum at October 5, 2004 08:12 PM

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